I belong.. sort of.

Theres times lately in my life where I question my own existence.
Like what am i here for, where do i belong.
why on earth did God put me in this place.
Part of me has concluded that i wasnt put here to be a very socialable person.
that part of me feels that i dont "belong" with like society almost.
that part of me feels that i belong on a stage with nothing more than a guitar, and a mic.
Standing there confessing all of my feelings, insecurities, desires, and wants.
Revealing to everyone in front of me the deepest corners of my mind and soul.
Sharing with them my stories of who i am, who i was, who im going to be, and who ive become.
Maybe Someday this will come true and all of this will happen.
and ill be up there and every single person will know the words to the song.
they'll all sing along.
And ill watch in amazement as all of this takes place.
People singing along to words i wrote.. words that have deep meaning to me.
Such a beautiful dream.
I do hope that God wills this to come true.


Everyone feels the need to belong in this world.
Whether its with one person, with a group of friends, or even with some sort of club.
We all feel the need to exist with something else.
But why is it so necessary that we must live our lives with others?
can we not be mere loners and live independently?
I believe that we cannot.
I believe that we are meant to live our lives through others and in all things worship God.
It is good to be somewhat independent. But not entirely.
We need others.
We need help.
We need them to help us.
Through problems.
Through pain.
Through life.

Where would we be without others?
I mean honestly. How long can people last on their own.
If everyone lived life independently than the human race wouldn't exist today.
We would all live our lives alone.. and eventually die with nothing.
No family.
No loved ones.
No kids.
Nothing.
And everyone around us would follow suit..
and eventually we would all be gone.
Every single person.
Gone.

So think about what you're doing when you try to do everything yourself.
And maybe realize that you cant do it alone.
'Sometimes I cant make it alone'
so true.
Sometimes we can't make it alone.
We NEED others.
So much.
For everything that they do for us.
Keep them close.
Dont let them leave.
Let everyone co-depend on each other.
and live your life with Love.
Love for one another.
Love for self.
Love for God.

Feels Like Rain

Lately Ive begun to enjoy sitting in the shower.
Just sitting down and letting the water rain down on me.
Because thats what showers are like arent they?
Like a rainstorm that pours all over you.
It covers your entire body and washes away the smells and stains from the previous day.
but more than that..
showering is renewal.
Its out with the person of yesterday and in with the person of today.
You get in, start up the water, and wash away the past and prepare yourself for the future.

Its such a refreshing thing to just let water fall down on you and not care about anything at all and just be at total peace with the world.
This probably the least manly thing i can admit but honestly when im there.. just sitting and letting water rain down on me and sometimes i honestly just cry.
its such a perfect moment.
There are No worries.
No pain.
No remorse.
No sorrow.
Just a man at peace with the world as God's almighty Grace falls upon him in the form of water.
How can get any better than that.
The whole situation gets even more perfect when im running some Buckley song through my speakers.. preferably Hallelujah.
Not to loud though. Just keep him down so hes a silent whisper in the rain.


In my mind there is no more of a perfect situation than of the one i just described.
How can u get any better than that?
You're in a place where nothing else matters.
Its just you and the rain.
The constant rain we all have in our lives.
No matter what you do or where you go.
There will always be rain.
Beautiful and Comforting Rain.
That i encourage you to take time to just sit in the rain..
and just be at peace with everything and everyone.

Love is Always Worth it.

Why do we love?
What is it about this feeling that we throw away everything we know and thrust ourselves forward not knowing where we'll end up.
We take such huge risks with this thing love.
Some would question "is worth it?"
Is risking our own feelings and emotions worth all the hurt and pain?
Honestly ask yourself "is worth it"?


So whats your answer then is love worth the Hurt and all the Pain?
Is it worth the Denial and the Betrayal?
The Anger and Confusion..
The Depression and all the Tears..

Can anything be worth all of that?
Why would anyone gamble with those odds?
On one side you have the chance to feel like the greatest thing in the world..
but on the other hand theres always the chance of denial.

Think of our Love life as a Slot machine.
and perhaps our emotions as money.

We invest money into the slot machine hoping something good will turn out for us.
A lot of times we dont win. We lose to this heartless machine over and over again.
Until some of us hit the Jackpot and win.
We win love.
The greatest feeling in the world.
To Love and to be loved.
Because isnt that what we all want out of life.
I mean money and materials are ok.
but when all is said and done..
whos gonna watch you die?
your money or the ones you loved.

Lately Ive been a pretty heavy gambler.
Putting all of my money on the line.
And guess what!?
I lost.

Its probably the worse feeling in the world to lose at this game.
This game isnt some sport game.. its serious business with drastic turnouts.
Turnouts with this feeling i have now. its like a cramp right in the pit of your stomach.
It aches and aches.
It never stops aching.
It bleeds into all of the other areas of your life until you cant even seem to focus for more than five minutes at a time.



All of this over a simple word called Love.
The purpose of this note is not to depress people and make them hate love.
And never want to Love in their life.
But its purpose is to give my insight on this "Simple" word Love.
To say how worth it is to take that gamble and put a few coins or so in the machine.
In my opinion people should take huge risks for Love.
Whether the turnout is amazing or disastrous Love is always worth it.
I kinda like that last phrase.."Love is Always Worth it."
To me it says somethin kind of like this...
No matter the risk "Love is Always Worth it."
No matter the turnout "Love is Always Worth it."
No matter if you get a Jackpot or Nothing "Love is Always Worth it."

Yeah That sounds good to me..
now just remember..

"Love is Always Worth it."

Buses and Kids.

Another day of school has passed on and i slowly walk towards the shuttle bus.. I stick the buds of my headphones and get lost in the world of a couple men creating beautiful music together. Starts out with a drummer laying down a beat and then the bass joins and puts it in time. Then Guitarist interrupts it all with a glorious melody that bring it all together. And finally to top it off the Singer comes in and soars over the entire band. The tension increases more and more as the band crescendos slowly but surely. I climb up the stairs of the bus and take an open seat in the back by myself and stare out the window as bus takes off.

The Band plays on and im only the one that hears their beautiful music.. Its as if the Singer sings just for me and the other Band member are playing for me and only me.
Well dont i feel special.
The Gradual Crescendo increases more and more as the bus pulls me around town and toward its final destination. Theres honestly something fascinating about listening to music and staring out a window of a bus.. Especially when the sun shines down on you and reflects off the snow on the ground and creates this eerie feeling of calmness and awe..The kind of moment where you wouldnt mind just sitting and staring.. not doing anything just observing the beauty of your sorroundings.

The bus finally reaches its destination and stalls until the other buses come and release their kids to go to their respective buses to go home. I sit and wait for the bus driver to open the doors and set me free. All of the kids i call my friends sit in front me and talk to one another, everyone having their own side conversation. Yet i still alone in the back, by myself. Why is this I wonder to myself.. am i so different.. do i not belong.. why.. Ive always thought i was somehow different since i was a young child..like as if god had designed me to not fit in right.. to be an outsider.. a nonconformist..

A Nonconformist. Thats honesty what i strive for in life sometimes. To not be the adverage person. To not conform to your 'adverage person'. Because honestly where do u meet a man who plays guitar but doesnt play any of that rock stuff anymore, but plays the blues and jazz. Or a man who plays hockey and is not arrogant in any way at all, but is as humble as a man could possibly be.. does that seem adverage to you, cuz it doesnt really to me.

All these thoughts cross my mind in about the minute or two that the buses take to all file in and then the doors fly open and thousand of children run out and towards their new buses to secure a good seat or to chat with another person before they board their bus. We slowly file out of the bus one by one in a single line.. My music keeps playing and reaches a sort of climax point, Where Singer repeats a single brilliant phrase over and over that blends oh so beautifully with the rest of the band, who at the moment are playing with all passion and soul and power that is possible. The Singer is even backed up by the band each member taking a pitch and forming a beautiful chord for the backgrounds and to support the Lead Singer as he Soars above everything and the band hits one last chord as i step out of the bus and into the world where the sun shines so bright and the sky is limitless and filled with few clouds and there seems to be a soft breeze, not enough to make you cold but just enough to blow your hair back.
And the world is beautiful.
It is a creation of god.
How amazing is he to create all of this.
And ive only thought in my mind.

What a wonderful world.